Post by Jared Wentz on May 30, 2007 12:10:44 GMT -5
Jared had purposely surrounded himself with people who would never end up relying on him, just so he could concentrate solely on Deryck relying on him. However, when everything started to get better - when Xerox started to get big... then what? People started relying on Jared - relying on his words and on his voice. It had been a little too much, and thus had started the small and covert breakdown inside of him. Suddenly, the abyss had been created. A little whirlpool sucking Jared in, ensnaring him into the world of the impossible. He was not only Deryck's big brother now but millions of other people. He was representing not only himself but a wide range of different people. Jared couldn't take that - he couldn't handle so many people relying on him. It was so much better to be away from the world. Away from the world who were kidding themselves into believing that because they could save lives, make lives that they could do whatever they wanted. The world that was kidding themselves into a state of brain numbing idiocy - where people were so worried about what was going on in other countries that they neglected their own. Therefore when something huge happened in their own country they acted like it was a shock, and yet still failed to realise they were neglecting something so important while they put all their efforts into a country that weren't appreciating it anyway. Perhaps lying in that bed, unable to move, unable to talk, unable to feel, was better than sitting in a world where slowly but surely everyone was being brainwashed into the same state of mind. Where selfishness was so rife, that it looked totally like it was selflessness. Where people who held millions - perhaps billions - of dollars would sit in third world countries and cry for the kids that were there, say they wanted to 'help' and then disappear into the distance with a bit of extra publicity. That was the world that Jared lived in, the synthetic world full of trickery and people blind to the truth. Blind to the fact that even if they try to 'make things better' it's only for their own conscious. Perhaps that was why Jared cared for Deryck so much - to try and offset the bad, selfish stuff that he did. That perhaps by devoting himself to his little brother, that because it was such an ardous, horrible task that he was a good person - perhaps not good, perhaps just neutral. That by suffocating himself with his troubled teenage brother he saved himself from the fate that the rest of the world would inevitably succumb to. The thing that most people only figured out when they were old and weary and jaded - that no matter how good you are, you are still selfish. That we are driven by few human compluses - none of which is that of the desire to please others but rather to please ourselves alone.
Jared wasn't even sure if he wanted to return to the world that was based solely around that. The realization that everything good in the world would benefit someone else more than the person it was intended to benefit struck him a lot. That his band could say they wanted to save the planet and make the world better and play millions of worldwide benefit concerts and for what? For what reason? Solely to make them feel like they weren't stealing the success off of people. To make themselves feel better, to play make believe that they were actually going to make a difference to the world when really what they wanted to do was make a difference to themselves. To ease their consciousness that the money that they brought their apartments with wasn't stolen directly from the hands of the consumer. That perhaps that because making music wasn't reason enough to be earning such an amount of money that to compensate for that they could try and save the world. Or save the pandas. Or save the whales. Whatever could detract attention from the fact that those five - well, four, now - kids that were doing what they loved and getting paid for it weren't as selfish and wanting as the rest of the human beings. The rest of humanity that Jared had surrounded himself with, the sickening realization that although none of his current friends had ever backstabbed him that it was out of selfish want for themselves. A covert want to make themselves feel like they were good friends, and Jared had been tricked into thinking it was because they truly cared about him.
Leave me the fuck alone! The voice in the darkness spoke. Jared felt like he had been holding his breath for a very long time, and like when you were so tired that you tried to yawn yet couldn'y quite make it, he gasped for breath but it wouldn't come. The voice was infecting his brain now, seeping into every part of it. Ringing in his ears like it was taking over his body, forcing him to listen to it.
Yeah, you can try and run - but how can you get away from yourself? For the first time Jared began to wonder if he was hearing a voice or if he was speaking to himself or if he was awake and someone was talking to him. He couldn't quite figure it out right now, and he tried to ignore it. As if he could mentally run away from it. If you do run away, or you let yourself die, that's being selfish. The voice continued to speak, and Jared felt sick now. Someone was invading in on his thoughts, he could feel it. If you live, though, who are you living for? Jared was gasping now. He didn't have anything to grip, his hands were numb, tingling from the sensation. The voice was taking over his body, as if he could hear it everywhere, that the vibrations from the voice weren't just in his head but they were now seeping down to every part of his body. Down to his feet... down to his toes. Down to his very being. Down to the core of everything. The center of his body. Something beyond the soul, something beyond the human mind, deeper and more complex. Give up. Give in. What is giving up though? Jared screamed to himself. Was giving up going back to the world of the living, or was giving up letting himself slip away in the abyss. He couldn't even remember how he got here but for some reason, right now, it felt right. He felt sane, yet he felt the total opposite. He felt pain, yet he felt comfort. He felt happiness and yet he found sadness. This was nothing he wanted. This wasn't the constant he wanted. This wasn't what he had orginally intended to seek out.
What good are you to anyone lying in a bed? Get up or get down. Jared struggled against the voice again, because it was confusing him even more. What was getting up? Was that waking up or carrying on staying here? What was getting down? Letting himself go or rejoining the world. You make no sense! Jared shouted to himself. The voice continues to argue with him, telling him over and over again he needed to get up or get down. It wasn't in his head - his head was trying to stop it, and yet it wanted to let it continue, as if he was going to guide him. Who are you? Jared shouted again. What do you want and why are you doing this to me?
You're helping nobody. You're not helping Deryck, that's for sure. He needs closure. Closure? What was closure though? Was closure waking up or was closing giving up? What was giving up? Giving up on the world or giving up on staying away from it all.
Would you rather be with them or with me. It wasn't even a question now. It was a statement. Jared couldn't figure out how it could be a statement - it was clearly a question. He could see it all flashing in his mind. It was suffocating him now. He had to start thinking quick and making a choice.
Tom. Be with Tom. Jared fought against the voice, he wanted to cry but he couldn't, as if his body was now totally devoid of anything human. What was his body now? There were so many questions but the voice wasn't answering them, just posing more. Like life did. Life never answered questions, it just created them. Tom misses you. He blames you.
No! No, he doesn't! Jared screamed to himself. Tom didn't blame him - did he? Why exactly was Jared blaming himself anyway? Was it to soften the blow for everyone else? To rationalise what had happened? To take the pain away from Tom's death and make it feel a lot like it was Jared's death? What is this all? What's after life? Jared screamed. Is this what happens? Eternal torture? To Jared's great surprise, the voice answered him.
No. Torture for those who are indecisive. Closure for those who make a decision. Indecisive? Jared wasn't indecisive... was he? Life and death was a bit of a big decision. It wasn't something that could be decided during half-time of a football game or something. It's a lot more than life and death. The voice added, and Jared screamed for it to get out. To leave him alone. How long had he been like this? Months? Years? Time's wasting. Piss off, Jared growled. What are you? My conscious? My soul? My aura? What?
I'm whatever you want me to be. Gone. No. You want me here. You need me here. So if I choose death then I'll be free of this? It's not death. Then what the fuck is it? Whatever you want it to be. Jared felt like he was going around in circles. That by finally getting answers from the voice he wasn't getting anything out of it. I'm screwed either way, he said. The voice didn't say anything, surprisingly. Jared just wanted to breath again right now... he wanted to feel something solid... He didn't want to the mixture of emotions that were surrounding him right now. What were the pros and cons of breathing, as Jared recalled to himself. Emotions sucked a lot of the time, Jared often never wanted to feel anything, and here he was, feeling everything that was possible to feel. Piss it, Jared thought. Get it over and done with.
"He's flatlining!" The nurse screamed, picking up the defilibrators. "We're going to lose him!" Cathy screamed.
Jared could feel the worry in the woman's voice - the worry she was going to lose Jared and she'd feel selfish for the rest of her life. To lose a nineteen year old boy with so much potential as a human being. It was then that it hit Jared - none of this was about other people, it wasn't about himself, it wasn't about the world, it wasn't about what you felt and what you didn't feel, it wasn't about what you did and what you didn't do. It wasn't about being selfish or convincing yourself you weren't selfish. It wasn't about love, and it wasn't about fear or hate. It was about something a lot more simple. Something that Jared didn't understand, but he knew what it was, and yet he too couldn't place it. Maybe, for once, it was something Jared couldn't catagorize or easily reference. Something a little deeper than human wants and needs.
Choose. Leave me the fuck alone! Jared shouted, echoing the words the voice had said to him before.
"Oh my god," Cathy said, brushing her brow and sighing. "He made it," she said, after seeing the boy flatline for the second time. "Someone call his mother - call his mother!" She said, turning to the rest of the nurses.
"He's waking up."[/color][/size][/blockquote][/ul]